I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
