there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
