turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
