I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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