my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
