My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
