Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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