My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
porn star boner night. come get it.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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