You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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