In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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