1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
