I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
