Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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