My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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