remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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