She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
