I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
