ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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