Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
