xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
