So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."