Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up