Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
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I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
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I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.