FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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