Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
