apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
