Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
