To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
