The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Randomize
