i think my tv is drunk
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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