I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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