I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
