My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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