My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
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I need you to use more vowels.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
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We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.