well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
