just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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