we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
