Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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