I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
