I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like getting head from an anaconda
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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