Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos