How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.