i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
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my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
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I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.