Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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