are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
