Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
