i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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