is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Randomize
