i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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