mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
