I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
