He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
