i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
