Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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