My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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