I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I see more hoeing in ur future
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