WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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