at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
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