I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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