when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
