unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
