Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize